Monday, April 11, 2011

The Big Heavy Post About My Weight

I'm a bit embarrassed about my last post. I'm even more embarrassed to have published an I-Hate-My-Body post and then not posted at all for a week. I'm unhappy, sure, but I didn't mean to give the impression that I think I'm so hideous that I can't even bear to to take photos of my unappealing largeness. I have been doing some soul searching though, about both what I want  from myself and what I want from this blog.

I was quite upset with myself when I realized what I'd essentially said in my last post was that I couldn't be happy with my body in its current state. It was a pretty low moment for me, and I was trying to be honest in sharing it, but it's something I want to try to fight against both publicly and privately. Most of the time I believe I do a reasonable job of being, if not completely happy with the way I look, at least being content. I'd like to be completely happy. I'd love to love my body.

I'm overweight. It's a fact. I'm five feet six inches tall. I weigh about 180 pounds. That's a BMI of 29.0, which is dangerously close to edging over the line into the obesity range. Six years ago I weighed 130 pounds. For most of my adult life before that I'd weighed in somewhere in between 130 pounds (my skinny weight) and 145 pounds (my chunky weight.) The reasons for my recent weight gain are many and complex- at least I like to think so- no one wants to think they lazy and lacking in self control, right?  But ultimately, I'm not very happy and I'm not very healthy and I want both those things to change. And the most direct and sensible way to move towards both those ends would seem to be losing weight. Maybe I can be happy and healthy at a weight somewhere between 180 pounds and 130 pounds. I'm open to that possibility, but right now 130 pounds is my goal. Its a weight I'm confident I can maintain. Its a weight I've been happy at in the past. Its the weight I was when I met my husband (who, to his credit, still thinks I'm gorgeous, but that's not the point.) 

I don't believe that I have to lose weight to be happy. I don't believe that I have to lose weight to be beautiful. I don't believe that I have to lose weight to be stylish. But I have to be honest- being thin sure makes fashion more fun! I want to have fun getting dressed again. I want to have fun shopping again. I want to enjoy inhabiting my body again. And I'd really like to live a long, healthy life with my awesome husband.  So I'm going to make some changes. I'm beginning Weight Watchers. I'm walking or dancing or something, every day. And I'm posting outfit photos everyday. Not just when I feel thin. Not just when I think my outfit works. Not just when I'm wearing something new. Everyday. Without fail. Even when I'm wearing sweats to clean my house. Even If I don't get dressed. Why? Because I want his blog to help me to be objective about my style with the object of improving it. And if I only post when I think I got things right, what good is that?

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