Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I'm experincing a lapse in my policy of self acceptance.

I had a different outfit in mind when I began getting dressed today. This outfit in my minds eye was imagined for the express purpose of allowing me to wear a new pair of shoes, purchased last Wednesday and, as yet, still unworn. But then the skirt didn't quite fit. It almost fit. I could zip it up completely, but once zipped it was so snug that I couldn't slide the skirt around my body to get the zipper into it's correct position on my hip. I briefly toyed with the idea of removing the skirt and then putting it back on again, making sure that I got the zipper in the right place from the get-go, but I had to admit that having the zipper in the right place wasn't going to make the fit any better. I could have worn the skirt but I would have been uncomfortable all day.

This unfortunate episode wouldn't sting as much if the skirt in question hadn't been purchased only two summers ago, especially to remedy the fact that none of the clothes I had worn the summer before were fitting me anymore. What a slap in the face it is to realize that I'm in the same position all over again. Or perhaps I should say what a kick in the ass it is, since that's more in the neighborhood of what we're talking about here. To my credit, I was able to accept that the skirt wasn't going to work and find something else to wear without having a complete meltdown. And I think, actually, that I might have been entitled to a meltdown here. I'm supposed to be trying to dress the body I have, without judging it harshly, without letting clothing make me feel as if there's something wrong with my body, without letting emotion get in the way of my objectivity, but its hard to do this in the face of evidence that I'm getting steadily larger.

I'm really not happy with my weight. Feeling fat takes a great deal of the enjoyment out of clothes for me. And that sucks. I love clothes and I want to love my body, but I'm not sure that this is a body I can love. And that makes me really sad. I'm not sure that just losing weight is the answer. I'm not sure what the answer is.

I felt fine in this outfit today. Not great, but okay. And I received some nice compliments on the skirt. These red shoes looked better than the new blue shoes I had originally wanted to wear with the too small skirt, so I didn't even end up wearing my new shoes. I'm hoping tomorrow will be a better day.

No comments:

Post a Comment