I kind of hated what I ended up wearing on vacation. Not at the time- I was really too busy to care- but this is not the sophisticated island wardrobe I wish I could have worn.
|What I wore to hike to Waimoku falls and the Oheo Gulch.|
|What I wore for an underwhelming sunrise on Haleakala.|
Frankly, I'm not even sure what I would have wanted to wear instead of these clothes, or how glamorous it is really possible to be while hiking a slippery, muddy trail or standing in freezing pre-dawn rain. And I did not actually see anyone on either of these excursions about whom I thought, "Wow! She totally nailed it. I wish I could look that sophisticated while sweating/freezing my ass off." Where I did see women who looked fantastic was in restaurants and I think I probably looked pretty good then too. I only packed one dress, but it was one that I love and that I generally feel pretty good in. And here we are again, back to that perennial question on this blog: Why don't I have a whole suitcase (or closet) full of stuff that I love and generally feel pretty good in?
|I wore this dress to go out to dinner again. (With the addition of makeup and sandals.)|
I'm increasingly concerned that the real answer to this question is that I don't usually love, or even feel pretty good about, my appearance because of my weight- not because of my clothes. I arrived home from Maui and was thrilled to discover I had managed not to gain any weight while on vacation. I'd mentally prepared myself for the fact that I might have gained a bit as I was not restricting my eating at all and I was doing a lot of lounging, it being a vacation after all. But now I've gone from being thrilled about maintaining to being bummed about not losing fast enough, in the space of just a couple of days.
|Back home but wearing treasure from vacation.|
I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be this kind of person- the kind whose self esteem is tied to her weight- especially since even I, feeling as crappy as I do, can see from today's photos that I am staring to look a lot slimmer. At least when I'm wearing a black shirt dress and not a shapeless tank top or a dumpy windbreaker. And when I can change my clothes three times before I settle on an outfit. And when I can have my picture taken close to fifty times and then pick out the two photos in which I have my stomach pulled in so much it makes my smile look strained.
I'd rather be the kind of person who can feel great about just having spent an awesome week with her amazing husband (who thinks she looks stunning pretty much all the time BTW) and was having so much fun most of the time she didn't give a damn about what she was wearing, or eating, for that matter. Why can't I be that person? Why can't I look at that top photo and focus on how happy I look, and how pretty my smile is, and not how thick my waist seems?
I'm going to try to be better. And I'm going to keep trying to create that perfect vacation wardrobe. Next challenge: A seven day Alaskan cruise with and additional weekend in Seattle. And yes, I know that I should not be complaining about my clothes, or my weight, and that rather, I should be counting my blessings that I'm lucky enough to get to go on vacation several times a year. I do know this. But somehow I can't let go of the dream of being slim and well dressed on these vacations, so I'll keep trying to reach that ideal. Hopefully with less complaining from here on out.
Today's rather bland outfit was the result of my crappy mood and my desire to wear these two new necklaces: Black pearl and silver pendant from Maui- a souvenir gift from my husband to commemorate our vacation. Mother of pearl heart pendant from Penrhyn (Cook Islands)- a souvenir gift from my father's recent vacation.