Monday, September 12, 2011

Can I figure out how to please myself?

It started out with me arguing with myself about whether this was a *blog worthy* outfit or not. And it kind of went downhill from there:
     "I should post every day, whether I love my outfit or not- that was what I wanted the blog to be."
     "But my outfits don't seem to be getting any better and that was the point of posting everything, so I'd improve."
     "But you have to keep at it. It's a process. It might take a long time, but it will be worth the effort in the end."
     "But all people will see on my blog are these boring outfits."
     "But it's your blog so the only person you have to worry about pleasing is yourself."
     "Ahhh, but there's the real problem. I'm not pleasing myself. And yes, before you say anything else, I do know that I have lots to be pleased about (blah, blah, blah) but I'm just not feeling it right now."     
     "You are never pleased with anything you do."
     "Shit. That is true. Damn it. That sucks for me."

NEVER ever being happy with myself is a pretty serious problem. Actually, I ought to be able to celebrate how well I am able to function in spite of this affliction, but that would be out of character. And there are a number of things I should feel pretty good about right now. For instance, today I'm wearing pants I haven't been able to wear in a year. Thanks to the healthy lifestyle changes I've made I've lost about 12 pounds. As a reward for dropping below the 170 pound mark this weekend I went through all of my stored clothes and reclaimed three pairs of pants and two skirts that I couldn't fit into before. I'm planning on doing this as I meet each successive ten pound goal.

I've been doing a great job sticking to my New Year's resolution. I don't think I've ever made it this far into a year with a resolution still in effect. My closet is much more organized (but not perfect yet)- and I can wear everything in my current wardrobe- even if most of it bores me to tears.

I've even managed to do a bit of mending that I'd been putting off for an embarrassingly long time. But, other than the pride I feel for having completed tasks that had been hanging over me, this hasn't been as exciting as I'd hoped. And it hasn't added much punch to my wardrobe. If my 'work basket' had contained anything really fantastic I'd probably have mended it before now.

Even managing to keep going with the blog ought to be something I can pat myself on the back about. It hasn't been easy. I'm trying awfully hard to embrace myself but my inner critic is a bitch, literally. I'm punching her in the face right now by posting an outrageous number of photos of myself in this outfit I'm still not sure is actually blog worthy.

I'm convinced that I can get to a point where I'll look in the mirror and think, "I look great in this; I can't wait to post it!" It's not this outfit, and it's not today, but that day is coming. And I believe that keeping up this blog is going to help me get there. Thanks for helping me along.

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