Thursday, November 17, 2011

If only I were a comic book character...

I wouldn't even have to be a super hero. Just so long as I was only visible in two dimensions. Okay, I'd never really wish to actually be two dimensional. I celebrate my many dimensions and multifaceted personality. However, I can not celebrate my profile view in today's outfit.  I'm working from home today so I tried to see if I could style this dress in a way that made it seem less sweet and girly. This is a dress which typically earns me compliments whenever I wear it, and it's stayed in my closet because of this, but it also never quite feels like me.

Today I tried to toughen it up a little with orange fishnets, platform sandals and a thrifted brown leather man's belt. I'm calling it a qualified success. I do think that the accessories work to create an overall look that is a better fit for me, but there's no getting around the fact that the dress itself is just too small for me at the moment. Even wearing spanx, which I normally wouldn't do during the day, and standing up as straight as I possibly can, my stomach sticks out more than I'd like. And if I relax and let it all hang out it's much, much worse.

Tummy trouble!

What you can't see in these photographs is the copious bulging back fat. I saw it in the mirror so I assure you, it's there. I think spanx tend to exacerbate the lumpy back problem if one's not careful. And I have no desire to maintain constant vigilance over escaping back fat.

I have such trouble with spanx. I'm willing to admit that they do help in some ways, but they seriously let me down in others. I'm pragmatic- I do realize that there's only so much one can expect shape wear to accomplish. It's just that I'm not sure that the results are worth the trouble.  It's not only the wayward back fat issue, there's the epic struggle to get them on in the first place. If I spent the ten minutes I would have to take to squeeze myself into spanx every morning doing crunches I wouldn't need the spanx at all. If I wore them everyday, which I don't, precisely because they are so difficult to get into.

The last time I purchased a new pair of spanx the salesperson told me quite seriously that I needed to put them on by stepping into them. I still can't imagine what method she thought I might employ to get into them if she hadn't offered me this advice. Suspend them on a hook and take a running jump with both feet? Dive into them head first like a circus performer from a high dive platform into a tiny pail of water?

I will make the effort to step into my spanx (gently, one leg at a time) for special occasions but those times are not always completely problem free.  Special occasions for me often feature celebratory beverages, and while it's one thing to spend ten minutes struggling into a foundation garment in the comfort of your own home, it's another to find yourself trying to do so tipsy, wobbling on your high heels, in the narrow stall of some public bathroom.  Oh, I know they have that open crotch thing, but it is very psychologically difficult to urinate while you still feel like you have your pants on, and if you can drunk pee in a bar bathroom while holding your spanx open and not piss on your hand or your spanx, then my hat is off to you- you're a better woman than I!

Please focus your attention on the pretty amber ring and not the lipstick on my teeth.

In any case, even with spanx, this isn't a dress I'd be comfortable wearing in public right now. I'm much happier with the way I styled it today than I was the last time I wore it, so I won't get rid of it. But I am going to take it out of my regular closet and store it until a later date.

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